The Bittersweet Proposal

I'm guessing we are too close to be any closer. I'm guessing that's the reason you shut me out of your life, leaving me alone with nobody else. Maybe things really do happen for a reason, of maybe this was something we both secretly wanted so badly but knew it wouldnt last. The days we never even knew eachother dont seem so bad if i look bad now, but the days we loved eachother in that familiar way, those are the days that bring back the most painful memories. Maybe its because we never talk anymore? Maybe its another reason. I honestly have no idea anymore, all i know is that i once wanted you to be the one i spent the rest of my life with. And i still feel that way. That's why im here pleading for you to accept this apology from me, for whatever i may have done. That's why im here, nervous as ever, curious as ever, and as fragile as ever, asking you from down here on one knee with that tiny little blue box in my hands. That tiny little blue box that every woman deserves to have at some point in their life. But you, more than anyone else, deserve that little diamond ring that rests inside that little blue box of yours. Will you marry me?

Invisible

The day my lover died, I ran away to Heaven to see that lonely light. But from here it was invisible.
The day my lover died, I ran away to Hell, to see that lonely flame. But from here it was invisible.
The day my lover died, I ran away from home, to see that lonely life, now which i live
alone.

The three most explanitory words.

I

Love

You

Love

Love.
Great.
Horrible.
Needed.
Unnecessary.
It's just love.

Crush

His charming looks, as sweet as gold.

That loving smile, as sincere as his passion.

Nothing more than him himself, can overcome this feeling.

Loving him. Wanting him. Missing him.

Brain Dead

It's so hard to tell you the truth.
I want to tell you now.
I cant.
If only i could move.
I cant.
All you see, if anything at all, are my eyes.
The rest of me is dead.
Not my eyes.
To talk to you, i blink.
To talk to them, i think.
My thoughts can control the outcome of my life.
My eyes can control the outcome of my life with you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Now see, the situation is, i cant move.
If you want to know something from me, ask.
If i dont tell you, plan my funeral.

Im sorry, but im brain dead.

Near, Far

im done with life, im ready for it to come crashing down

to see the city around me burning

the people crying on the streets at the loss of their homes.

im done with drama, all the preasure

i feel im falling asleep as an innocent child, and will wake different

wake as an adult who's life is falling apart, burning, crashing, dying. the end is far, i want it to be far, far away, and at the same time, all so close..

Those, These, That, This, The

Those eyes.

Those lips.

These features.

These memories.

That hair.

That face.

This time.

This one.

The love.

The passion.

the reason i live

The Reason You're Reading This..

i think i have fallen completely head over heels for you. if only i could tell you how i feel. i dont because i am deathly afraid of the possibility of rejection. what if you are to tell me you dont love me back? what if you are to crush all my hopes and dreams that ive built up over time?

i gawk upon the perfection of your skin, the sweet scent of your musk. i feel as if i should be able to curl up to the shape of your body as we watch a movie in the dark. i feel as if our lips match perfectly together. i feel as if i am rightfully able to feel the shape of your neck. that perfect neck that just sits there, longing for me to graze my hand along its nape in attempt to comfort you when you're down. why did this have to happen to me? what did i ever do to deserve a person like you in my life? you are my angel, my love, my crush, and the reason i force myself to awake in the mornings. i could be sleeping in and rejoicing in my dreams, but instead, i jerk up and wait till i can see your face today. everytime i see your face, thousands of memories pour into my mind. the memories of the times when we were best friends. the memories of when we were together and nothing else could arrest our happiness. those were the days i long to return. to refill my life with joy. with comfort. but when those memories bring pain. it reminds me of the reason we arent together. the reason i wish both existed and didnt. i guess we are so close to one another, nothing more can happen. i wish it wasnt this way, but things happen for a reason i guess. thats what ive been told but i would like to believe otherwise. i'd like to believe in the fact that we can be together. we can be together and happy. be together and in love. i want that. until the day that you realize what is true from what isnt, i just wait here in the distance and hope, just hope and dream that you'll come around...

Just Another One of Those Dreams

i walk this long road to the length of the bay. the clouds are beneath me as i stare up into the precious blue sky and begin to wonder. my bare feet feel hot against the rough concrete of the golden gate bridge and it vanishes. the floor i was once on is gone. now i walk the sky hundreds of feet up in the air on a single thin rope. my torn jeans and ratty teeshirt are of no more. instead, covering me up is a pair of black pants and a tuxedo jacket. i am filled with fear, but the audience only sees a bright red smile flashing across my face. my feet nervously make their way along the rope, when i lose balance and begin to fall, instead of hitting the golden sand of the circus floor, i spash into the depth of the twilight's water. the moon faintly leaves it's reflection when the sun luminates the sky with bright colors of red and orange. i can feel the rubbery texture of the fish grazing my legs as i stay afloat. i dive down and enter myself in a race against the fish of colors. the coral is slowly becoming visible in the day light and i attempt to avoid it. that redemption is failed when my bare leg horridly is brushed up against it and bleeds. the pain is unbearable. i quickly search for the surface and release a scream so loud, that is the last thing i would ever be able to speak again. I quickly spazz up into a seated position on my bed out of breath. i try to relax myself and realize im drenched in sweat from head to toe. i fall back into my pillow and breathe slowly. i am finally able to bring my heart back down to earth and live. the alarms clock sounds resembling my day must begin and long on and long until the night approaches again..

English Essay (New version , new ending)

Living in a world like this can be scary. Not knowing when or how you may die, fearing that it would be today. I don’t know why nobody has tried to stop this insanity. I guess they’re just too afraid. There is never one moment where you can’t hear the screams of a child being assaulted, or the sirens of a police car going off on the next street. Everyday I walk down the same road, see the same things, and hear the same foul words. I don’t really go home for anything but to sleep if its stormy outside and I rarely ever eat anything at all. So many things are just better undone just for your safety. What exactly is safety anyway? Having gates around your neighborhood, or having nice homes with decent security? In these rough parts of the city, safety is knowing self defense when you get jumped. Safety is trusting nobody and telling nothing to anybody. It sickens me when people drive through here with their windows rolled up and that familiar expression on their faces telling us they don’t want to be here.Since I was little, I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to get money and move out of this horrible place. Until just recently, I didn’t know how hard that was going to be. I have a dream to be in a better place where stuff like this is cut down to a minimum. But those dreams are often crushed by the nightmare of reality. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. I’ve always chosen to stand alone, to be free, and to be independent. I hope that one day, I will find somebody. Someone to care for me and help me as I make my way to the world I wish to live in. they would be the only people I would let get close to my heart. But until that day, I lay here in the park, under the stars, and hope I see the morning.I wake only to hear the firing of a gun only about two streets away. Although I’ve made it through the night, I sometime wish that I hadn’t. if I cant go to that better place, I’d rather be nowhere at all. Instead of getting up to go and find something to eat, I just stayed here on the bench and began to think. People would often tell me I think too much, and that I need to get over the fact that I’m not going anywhere, and move on. I believe today will be the day, the day that I will run until I can’t breathe anymore. Possibly even, until I’m even out of this trashed city that I can’t stand to see anymore. I hate having to live my life wondering if I’ll see tomorrow.I didn’t realize how long it was going to take to get out of this horrible place. Even if I did manage to get myself out of the streets, I wouldn’t have the money to support myself. I would be another homeless person ruining the image of a better city.A lot of gang action takes place where I live. They usually rob banks or convenient stores for money, and most of them end up in jail or a detention center. I’ve never been a part of a gang, but I have definitely gotten myself into the Center a few times. Not that I have done anything wrong, but I tend not to be in the right place at the right time. When I was released from my most recent visit to the detention center, I walked as much as my feet would allow me. I was hoping to see a better life in a neighboring city, but I couldn’t. I wonder if a place like that even exists.
...
It’s been two years since I got out of the Center for good. Several times since my release, I’ve made a run for it. Finally, I won. I was the girl who actually managed to leave that old city behind. The people in the new city put me in a new center for a while. Not a detention center, but a center where I could live. My foster family is taking really good care of me and is making sure I get a proper education. All of that thinking I did in my free time while on the streets really paid off. I’m in the top ten percent in my school, I’m going to a nice college where I can major in literature, and I found a job that I really love. I constantly find myself going back to the streets that I used to call home, and I decided to do something about it. The idea had dawned upon me while trying to go to bed. Just because I had to suffer the loss of family and the struggle of poverty, doesn’t mean other people should. I told my foster parents about my old life, and they really had taken it to heart. They joined me in the attempt to fix up my old neighborhood. We collected some donations from friends at church, and we made enough for now. Every day when I drive down the streets, I keep my windows rolled down and a smile on my face. I drive down the same roads, see different things, and hear less and less foul words. I can see the progress that is coming clearly. The future for those people look a lot brighter and filled with more happiness. Between school and work, I don’t have much time for making my daily visit to the city anymore. All the seniors are asked to write an admissions essay on a certain given topic. I chose the topic: Something that you will never forget. I would sit at the table for hours not being able to come up with any ideas. While eating dinner, I noticed myself subconsciously excusing myself to get some paper and a pen. The black ink was scribbling across the blue lines on the sheet and I read the words : “Living in a world like this can be scary. Not knowing when or how you may die, fearing that it would be today…”

Better Life (First draft of English paper- alot was changed for the final)

Living in a world like this can be scary. Not knowing when or how you may die, fearing that it would be today. I don’t know why nobody has tried to stop this insanity. I guess they’re just too afraid. There is never one moment where you can’t hear the screams of a child being assaulted, or the sirens of a police car going off on the next street. Everyday I walk down the same road, see the same things, and hear the same foul words. I don’t really go home for anything but to sleep if its stormy outside and I rarely ever eat anything at all. So many things are just better undone just for your safety. What exactly is safety anyway? Having gates around your neighborhood, or having nice homes with decent security? In these rough parts of the city, safety is knowing self defense when you get jumped. Safety is trusting nobody and telling nothing to anybody. It sickens me when people drive through here with their windows rolled up and that familiar expression on their faces telling us they don’t want to be here.
Since I was little, I’ve been telling myself that I’m going to get money and move out of this horrible place. Until just recently, I didn’t know how hard that was going to be. I have a dream to be in a better place where stuff like this is cut down to a minimum. But those dreams are often crushed by the nightmare of reality. I don’t have family, and I don’t have friends. I’ve always chosen to stand alone, to be free, and to be independent. I hope that one day, I will find somebody. Someone to care for me and help me as I make my way to the world I wish to live in. they would be the only people I would let get close to my heart. But until that day, I lay here in the park, under the stars, and hope I see the morning.
I wake only to hear the firing of a gun only about two streets away. Although I’ve made it through the night, I sometime wish that I hadn’t. if I cant go to that better place, I’d rather be nowhere at all. Instead of getting up to go and find something to eat, I just stayed here on the bench and began to think. People would often tell me I think too much, and that I need to get over the fact that I’m not going anywhere, and move on. I believe today will be the day, the day that I will run until I can’t breathe anymore. Possibly even, until I’m even out of this trashed city that I can’t stand to see anymore. I hate having to live my life wondering if I’ll see tomorrow.
I didn’t realize how long it was going to take to get out of this horrible place. Even if I did manage to get myself out of the streets, I wouldn’t have the money to support myself. I would be another homeless person ruining the image of a better city.
A lot of gang action takes place where I live. They usually rob banks or convenient stores for money, and most of them end up in jail or a detention center. I’ve never been a part of a gang, but I have definitely gotten myself into the Center a few times. Not that I have done anything wrong, but I tend not to be in the right place at the right time. When I was released from my most recent visit to the detention center, I walked as much as my feet would allow me. I was hoping to see a better life in a neighboring city, but I couldn’t. I wonder if a place like that even exists.

…
It’s been two years since I got out of the Center. Several times since then, I’ve made a run for it. Finally one time, I managed to make it to the better place I’ve always imagined. I was put into a new center. Not a detention center, but one where I could live. My foster family is taking really good care of me and is making sure I get a proper education. All of that thinking I do in my free time really paid off. I’m in the top ten percent in my school and I got a job that I really love. I feel so happy and excited to finally have all these wonderful things in my life now, including a family who cares for me. I never thought anybody would want to take in a sixteen year-old teenager who lived on the streets.
In my spare time, aside from work, I go to my old neighborhood just to see if anything has changed. Everyday, I see fewer people in the streets and less junk on the sidewalks. I told my foster family about my previous life, and they really listened. They decided to make it their job to fix the problem in that horrible place. I’ve been helping them but school has been managing to steal all of my extra time. Every senior has to write a story or paper on a certain topic. My topic was, "Something that you will never forget". It took me awhile to decide what I would write about. I would sit at the table for hours trying to come to a conclusion. Then finally, my pen started to scribble across the paper and I read the words: "Living in a world like this can be scary. Not knowing when or how you may die, fearing that it would be today…"

My Loathe ( sequel to "His Face <3<3" )

I cant STAND looking you in the eye. Seeing your face everywhere is just one of those things that kill me! At night, when i look at the moon, instead of seeing the face of the old man, i see yours. At day, when i look at the clouds, instead of seeing small forest animals, i see your name. Why was it that this had to end? I still love you, and you still love me. With all this passion for each other, why forbade it? Oh, thats right, its not a choice. If we could, would you still want to be with me? If only i hadnt asked for you to do me that one favor. If only i could hold you in my arms again. When i sleep, i wake within seconds. I always dreamt of you until that one night. Now, i cant dream, i only shiver awkwardly in the notice of your absence. Its been a while now, but still, whenever i see a happy couple sharing their love in the parks, or enjoying the time they have at a party, i loathe myself. This whole situation is my fault. I knew you were not well, but i sent you off anyway. Until the day i can see your face again, i will never hold another man in my arms that isnt you. You may get mad at me for doing so, and attempt to let Fate intertwine my thread with somebody else's. But i'll keep unknotting myself if i cant come to a conclusion that you were the one who sent this man into my life. One day, I will see you again if its the last thing i do. But of course, it will be the last thing i do, because no living person can lay their eyes upon your porcillean smooth skin. The skin that makes me lust for the smell of your musk again. The musk that makes me crazy to feel your hair again. The hair that makes me wish i could be with you again. Being with you is all i want to be able to do. It's my only life goal, but then again, its not a life goal. I hear a song on the raido and fall madly to the ground screaming and shouting. Its not fair! You shouldnt have been the one to go. It should have been me. After all, im the one who wanted to get that- Just the thought of it drives me to insomnia. I miss you. I love you. I loathe me. Nobody will miss me. All i wish for now, is to be in heaven with you. To be where we together can look over everybody instead of just you looking over me...

This is really old....

Dark Glittering Night

During the dark glittering night,
the animals become peaceful,
the rabbits fall asleep,
the birds become silent.

During the dark glittering night,
the wild becomes untamed,
the owls hunt their prey,
the cats decide to prowl,
the snakes slither silently.

During the dark glittering night,
all becomes peace vs. war.

His Face <3<3

I saw his face and nothing more. The rest of the scene behind him slowly started to fade along the edges. Everything about this moment made me find him so dreamy and irresistable. The moon was taking power over the night giving everything a blue glow to it. I closed my eyes to distract myself, but could not think of anything more perfect than this moment.

Next Chapter

I looked over there, into the gleaming light. The sun was rising, forcing the lake to shine like never before. The birds woke up and flew across the sky looking down at food for their young. I knew that this ment it was about to be the most brilliant day. I wandered the hills and found myself at the top of a mountain looking down at how high i traveled. I thought about everything good that happened in the past eighteen years of my life. Later on, i found a rolled up sheet of paper in my hand that was tied together with a sparkling blue ribbon. The urge to open it grew inside me. Hours passed in this beautiful garden. I moved my tassle from on side of my face to the other. I saw my classmates infront of my school at that moment, and we all throught our hats up in the air while cheering for eachother and ourselves. I knew, that high school was over, and that this was the beginning of the next chapter of my life.

Music <3

When i sing, i float away to another place. A secret location where almost all is sentual. The words beutifully flow from my heart. The music that over powers the lyrics becomes soft and gentle, as do emotions. The song slowly fades away within seconds of arriving in the mythical place. I look back and wonder if the composer knew his song had such a power over the people. Only when a singer feels this way, they know the melody that they just performed was a masterpiece. A true work of art.

i DONT actually feel that way. trust me, i do NOT hate love.

What is love exactly? Something that is there to comfort you when you need it the most? i find it that love is a necessity in life. without it, we are all just people who are living in this lifeless world. nobody i know can be called anything less than happy but no more than florescent. the people are all living their lives waiting, and comtemplating about absolutely nothing! if they are gonna waste time at all waiting for something, it might as well be to find love. when i see these people walking around in the park staring into each other's eyes passionately in love, i wonder what my life would be like if i was in their situation. i think i would be soaring through the clouds higher than any bird or plane could go. nothing or nobody would be able to stop my insanity. its not like i would be insane with craze...just with passion. every night, i wouldnt be able to sleep at all. not even for one minute. i would be just lying there in the dark just barely seeing anything anywhere, and be hoping and wishing, and begging for the night to pass so i could wait for the next time i get to see him. see the look in his face when he sees me. but all of a sudden he would vanish and i would wake up. i realize that none of this makes any sense, but it can. love is something that we need, we want, but cant have... it sucks!

an old english paper. its kinda creepy... but im HAPPY! :D

It was myself, nothing else around me. I was alone. The thunder and lightening outside was a warning to me that I had to get out- now. There was absolutely no movement around me. This could be the end. Out of nowhere, doors started to slam themselves shut. The fog inside the room was too much to handle and I began to gag. Still afraid that this was the end, I made an attempt to escape this melancholy room. I failed, there was nowhere that I could go, I couldn’t see. I was held into my place by something that like no more than chains enclosing around my ankles. Randomly, screams began to fill the room and the air grew thin. As I was gasping for oxygen, the ground beneath me shook. Before I knew it, I was on the floor. The taste of blood filled my mouth. This came as a great shock to me. I realized my teeth had penetrated through my lip. I had no time to worry about this; my only goal was to make it out alive. I rolled to my feet and began to run. The chains around my ankles were slowing me down, but I couldn’t stop. I had to keep going. The path I was taking was like a maze, there were turns every two steps.The ominous screams I heard before, were back. This time, they were louder and much closer. I looked behind me to see if anything was there, nothing. I kept running. There was nothing else I could do now. My lip was bleeding horribly, I was caught in some rusty chains, and my vision began to fade to black around the edges, as my heart was pounding to an extreme, I could see the opening. The door that led out of the room was in arms reach to me, but before I could grip the door knob, it opened. I thought I was free. The chains around my ankles began to tighten. I fell to the ice-cold floor flat on my face and I was being dragged back to the path. That was the last place on Earth that I wanted to go, but I had no control of where I was going now. I was Death’s toy. The ground beneath my stomach felt hot as I was being pulled. My head hit one of the walls with great force, and before I knew it, everything went black…Hours later, I woke up and everything was white and calm, a dramatic change from before. I heard a faint beeping sound near me; I realized I was in a hospital room. At least I made it out of that horrid place alive. A tall lean man walked into the room dressed in all white, and began to speak too softly for me to make out the words. All I could tell was that he was talking to a person in the room as I was lying helplessly on the bed with my eyes closed. I didn’t feel like keeping them open because it just felt so horrible staring at all those fluorescent lights. My insides were burning as if they were on fire. One thing the doctor said was a little bit too clear. I wished I didn’t hear it, but I already had.“I’m sorry ma’am. There’s really no hope. Your son has lost too much blood from the gash in his lip. He was also dramatically traumatized. Even if he did survive, he wouldn’t be able to live a normal life.” My mom. I knew it. The doctor was talking to my mother. I didn’t want her to see the pain in my eyes so I didn’t bother to look at her.“Nurses? Would you please discharge the machines?” they covered me up in a blue-white sheet. My entire life flashes before me, as the nurses unhooked my life line. I saw everything from being born, to the deathly room. Now the only thing filling the room was the sound of my mother’s grieving whimper, and a long continuous beep.

the first post...

This is the first post on my blog, i hope to be able to blog when i get time so for awhile, the number of posts i put up will increase SLOWLY. But i promise this will NOT be something i just give up on.